Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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