i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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