So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
