Betty ford says i'm here all night
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
