Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
