well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
