Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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