Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So much rum. So many feels.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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