Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
