i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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