He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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