Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
When are your genitals available?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
