just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
