I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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