I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
