high people should be assigned attendants
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
