I need help removing her.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
