so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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