when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
