I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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