She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
