totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
