Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
