Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
