I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I need to calm my uterus...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
