the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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