I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
