ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
