Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
