and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Sext me about skeletons
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
