I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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