Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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