i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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