i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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