sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
