Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
