all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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