I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
