threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
