It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
