Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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