I wish I could punch you in the face.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
