I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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