i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
