In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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