I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
