Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
