shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
