Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
