dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
